Yesterday I sent my friend Jill an email telling her I thought she looked great in her Halloween costume. Her reply?
"aw shucks. gotta go on a diet though...started today."
Which prompted my immediate reply
"The diet... I can't believe how much going off the pill has done for my bod. When you were visiting, and we had all the jeans, I was pretty bummed because the only ones that fit were the size twelves and they were pretty tight, now I'm down into the 8's. TFG. I still look all chubby, and my fat girl arms are out of control, but I think I'm going to just deal. "
As soon as I hit send I remembered a post by Sarah earlier this week on Yes and Yes.
Go read it, I'll wait.
Done?
Well the rest of the emails went thusly:
"That's good...I was just thinking I don't need to wear a leotard year-round...do I look pretty tubolicious? I'm kinda embarrassed."
"Not at all, actually I'm wondering why my comment that you looked great inspired your immediate declaration that you were going on a diet and my subsequent reply that I had fat girl arms and I'm chubby."
"What's wrong with us? Why can't my saying that you look pretty simply mean you look pretty? Because you do; and not tubolicious at all, actually you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Why are we conditioned to respond immediately to a compliment by putting ourselves down?"
You see, I'm still wondering. Jill is the most beautiful girl I've ever met in real life, and frankly, I may not be a size 4 anymore, but I'm pretty easy on the eyes my own darn self. Why are we conditioned to focus on the arm fat, the soft belly, the... well... the whatever.
I think starting today I'm going to focus on this:
Jill has the most stunning eyes; they are a sort of icy blue/grey, she's thin, tall, blonde (and not an obnoxious blonde, actual honest to god blonde) she has a great rack and seriously sexy arms. She tells the worst jokes in the best way and she's an incredibly thoughtful friend.
I have great hair, straight white teeth, and beautiful eyes. I'm smart, funny and a hell of a cook. I'm adventurous and spontaneous and I have the best friends, which makes me think there's something to be said about my ability to be a friend in return.
Does that immodesty shock you?
Do you think it would still shock you if a dude said the same things?
I know that men have their own insecurities, but this bad habit of deferring compliments and focusing in on our self perceived flaws (with laser like intensity) seems to be predominantly a dudette thing.
When I say to my husband "Damn! You look good!" Does he say "No, no, my jeans are a little tight and my hair is doing this weird thing"?
Hell no! He says thank you damn it! And he means it.
Now, Jill and I aren't alone in this stupid, self sabotaging behavior. I bet to some extent you all do it.
I don't usually ask you (friends, readers, reader-friends) for much of anything, but I'm asking today.
1) Leave me a comment, and tell me two or three amazing things about yourself. Don't qualify them, or dismiss them, just lay them out there.
2) If you think I'm full of shit, tell me so, I'd bet that I can tell you a few amazing things about yourself if you give me the chance.
3) This is the big one. Stop. For 1, 2, 3 days or even a week, stop it. After that week, keep going. Just knock it off. When the urge to be so damn hard on yourself pops into you head, stop it. And for gods sake stop it before it comes out of your mouth. I read that doing something for 21 days can make it a habit. Let's try to break this habit.
