The Things are the things I worry about. The Things are the things I’m proud of. The Things are the things that confuse me.
One of the things is being a mom. Sometimes I feel like I’m not the mom. Sometimes I feel like I’m maybe the dad. I hate myself when Henry reaches for Josh when he’s crying. That Josh is home for breakfast and bedtimes that I so often miss. That on the weekends Josh corrects me when I do something differently with Hen than he does it or when he catches me up on the way our child has grown by leaps and bounds in the last week while I was away.
One of the things is being a wife. Our marriage is weathering a rough patch. A large part of the problem is that with my work hours we spend more time apart than together, and much of the time we spend together Josh is managing me. Making sure that the house runs and that I get sleep and that I have clean socks.
One of the things is being a friend. Since starting this new job I have fallen off the map. I know it. I work 50-60 hour weeks in 4 days. Alternating days and nights is making me a crazy person. I haven’t caught up on sleep since January and I’m chronically exhausted. I am terrible at returning phone calls, emails, even text messages. It wasn’t always this way. I used to be a good friend. Now I’m lonely and isolated.
The ONE BIG Thing that all of the other Things have in common is my job. My job is the root of all these problems. However, I’m not in a position to quit, nor do I want to. My job is bad ass and tough. When I’m there I give it my all. The work is hard and demanding and very stressful. But it is also exhilarating and rewarding and I’m very proud.
I just have to hope that it will all be worth it. That one day my son will look up to me and my husband will appreciate the sacrifice and my friends will forgive.